So my birthday is coming up soon and the other day my wife suggested that we drive up to Toronto to see her deported ex-husband for a few days. My birthday is on the 7th. She wants to go the 4th through the 8th.
Of course I said yes, because that’s what I do whenever she wants something, but I confess I felt some resentment. Being expected to drive 16 hours round trip to go somewhere I don’t want to go for my birthday hurt. I guess more so because she didn’t even ask me what I’d like to do for my birthday first.
As is my practice I didn’t react immediately, I let it sit for a few days, examining my hurt feelings before voicing them to her. Of course she was all kinds of apologetic and instantly asked what I wanted to do for my birthday instead, that we could go some other time, but I told her that no, we would go to Toronto because that was her first wish. That anything I might say now would just serve to make me feel bad for denying her that wish and it would color anything else that we did instead. She apologized a number of more times over the next few days until I finally asked her to please stop… I told her that her apology had been accepted, reassured her that I loved her and that continuing to talk about it was like picking at a scab and reopening those past bad feelings all over again.
Upon reflection, one lesson I took away from the experience was; if you encourage your wife to lead a FLR with you and take authorship of both your lives, don’t be surprised if she decides on things you may not like or wish to do. Or even things that make you feel that your feelings have been forgotten or ignored. You offered her the power to become the decider and controller, which feels edgy and dangerous for most women. Anytime you resist or fight her choices, you are undermining that power and reminding her that men don’t really want women, her, in control… unless she is serving their/your wants.
That is not to say you shouldn’t alert her to your feelings, communication is key and you should always be like an open book to her. Remember to ask her first if you can discuss her decision and voice your discontent calmly and respectfully, but know going in that surrender, submit, sacrifice and serve mean just that. In this case, my wife expressed empathy and remorse and I love her for that. She could have just as easily decided to tell me, “Suck it up cupcake.”
After it was all said and done, I remembered that ultimately I don’t get her will my way.